The Shandeist’s Rubric

You practice his expression in the mirror.

  1. You decide that you are going to become a shandeist.
  2. You buy a copy of The Shandeist’s Rubric.
  3. You begin at step one.
  4. You pause and consider why you decided to become a shandeist.
  5. Memories of childhood pass behind your eyes.
  6. You decide that most of them have had no bearing on your desire to become a shandeist.
  7. You take the following five steps very seriously.
  8. You ask your mother and father about your conception.
  9. Je te prie, mon chéri….
  10. Your father says that this is a very unseasonable question.
  11. You take the foregoing seven steps facetiously.
  12. It is time to draw some lines.
  13. You draw lines better on the Continent.
  14. To appease your father, you invite him on your Grand Tour.
  15. You see the Liberty Bell in Lyons.
  16. You memorize the following set of shandeistic proverbs.
  17. Let him who speaks to asses teach others how to bray.
  18. English is the language of vulgarity, Latin the language of profanity.
  19. Cut off the nose of the man who knows its size.
  20. The blank page may still be read.
  21. It is time to draw——some lines.

VOLUME II

  • You draw lines better with your uncle.
  • Your uncle causally calls you a shandeist as he watches you draw lines.
  • You realize that somewhere along the line, you became a shandeist.
  • You try to remember a time when you were not.

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